


Understanding

by Speary



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 12x11, Coda, M/M, POV Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-14
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-09-24 09:23:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9715172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Speary/pseuds/Speary
Summary: Dean put his hand on Cas' knee and left it there for a few seconds, a few minutes, a few hours, maybe forever. He could explain the action away, but he maybe didn't want to do that anymore. He had his memories back now, and with their return came a bit more understanding.Post 12x11 fic.





	

He set his hand on Cas’ knee just below the table. It could have been a brief moment, a squeeze meant to convey understanding or camaraderie, but he left his hand there too long for that. Now Dean kept looking away. He looked at the far wall, the plate in front of him, Sam, his mom, the door to the diner. The door dinged when it opened to let people in and out. He contemplated escape, yet he didn’t remove his hand.

Dean thought of excuses. He thought of all the reasons he could give for this. He’d recently been under a spell and it made him forgetful. Maybe he’d forgotten how to behave appropriately. His hand was cursed. Cas was made from glue. That last one was dumb, but the others might work. He chanced a glance at Cas just then and saw that Cas was looking steadily right back at him. His eyes were equal parts sad and confused, like he wanted to ask Dean about their little secret under the table, but he didn’t. He just sat there quietly accepting this moment that was lasting entirely too long. It had been hours, no days, no an eternity. Actually, it had been minutes. Still.

The worst part was that Dean knew why he looked sad. Dean was pushing him. Dean was asking him in this moment to break one more goddamn rule for him. He was asking him to chuck heaven, commit to something that he himself had said was abominable and for what. Dean left his hand there though. He wasn’t quite ready to give up.

Sam was saying something. Dean half listened, and luckily his mom was keeping the conversation going, responding to Sam’s words. Occasionally, Cas spoke too. Dean knew that he’d have to tune in eventually, weigh in on the topic of the moment, but that was exactly why he was having the existential crisis he was having in the moment.

They’d spoken of Ishim. They’d spoken of the one rule that all the angels had to abide by, and how Lucifer had turned that rule on its head. Cas had sounded disgusted by it. Dean though, Dean, felt differently. He heard them all agreeing that it was bad or wrong. He heard something else. He heard reasons for why he’d never get the one thing he wanted, and it just about killed him.

So he set his hand on Cas and didn’t let go. He imagined holding on so long that his hand just burned right into him, marked him as his. It was maybe wrong. He could feel his heart beating up into his throat and he could barely swallow the rising lump that was also forming there. He’d cry if he were alone. He’d cry over the hopelessness of it all. He’d cry over the selfishness that had brought him to this place, and he’d cry over the fact that he couldn’t even beg, just beg Cas to break just one more stupid rule, for him, for them.

For them. Now that was the thing. Was it for them, or was it for Dean? Dean thought that sometimes maybe Cas wanted this too. He’s an angel though, and they aren’t always easy to read. Cas loves him, loves them all. He said as much. He never said he was in love with anyone though. Dean focused on the warmth that was his hand on Cas, and he did not pull away. He should. He avoided eye contact. He let his eyes wander back and forth between his mom and Sam.

He let his thumb slide back and forth over Cas’ knee. Cas brought up a hand to his chin and let his thumb graze just a little back and forth there while he listened intently to the conversation. Dean shared a thought or two then fell silent again as the food came. He focused on minute things. He thought that if Cas just shifted a little, he might let him go, might retreat back to his own space. He didn’t shift, didn’t move, didn’t do a thing to discourage Dean from just keeping up with all of this.

There was a clock on the far wall of the too full diner. It was a big black cat clock with giant eyes that moved back and forth with the passing of seconds. Its tail too ticked back and forth. He could hear the ticking of the big plastic parts over the low rumble of many voices in conversation. They never had enough time. They never had enough anything. They were always teetering on the edge of some precipice or another. 

Sam asked Cas about how the angels would deal with Lucifer’s child, and how they had responded to human angel relations before. He assumed that not every situation was like the one with Ishim. Cas cleared his throat. He slid his uneaten food over to Dean. “It is a rule that angels do not break. Long ago it was common to find nephilim in the world, but the rule, once it was strictly enforced eradicated that.” He glanced at Dean then, and he continued, “If an angel wanted to be with a human, that angel could choose to fall. An angel that would not do that, who would choose to straddle both worlds, was an angel that was selfish. It is as you say, having your cake and eating it too.”

“Actually, it’s not.” Dean found his voice and sounded much more irritated than he meant to. He took a breath and tried again, “Ishim was an asshole. That has nothing to do with loving a person. What he did was selfish.” Dean took a deep breath and continued, “It’s not right that an angel should have to change who they are to love who they wish.”

Sam and Mary were both giving him the same curious look. Sam said, “I get what Cas is saying though. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if an angel wanted to be with a human, then they’d have that option. If they don’t take that option, it’s maybe because the power is more important than the person they’re with.”

“Precisely.” Cas turned his attention back to Dean. “Choosing humanity, choosing love, would not take away an angel’s self. It would take away immortality and it would diminish the being’s strength, but it would also give the angel a soul. It is a trade that some would gladly make.”

Somehow Dean knew then what Cas would choose. He’d fall. And Dean felt the weight of guilt fall heavily on him. He did not let go just yet, though. He held on because he might not get to do this again. He couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. He couldn’t ask Cas to give up everything. He couldn’t ask Cas to give up nothing, defy heaven, break the rules. He loved him, selfishly, selflessly. He loved him too much most days to tie it to those words even.

Dean tipped his head back and pulled in a great lungful of air. “You okay, Dean?” Mary asked.

“Yeah, just ate too much.” Dean brought his head back down and gave her a smile. “We should maybe get back to the motel. It’s getting late.” He leaned to the side and reached back for his wallet. His other hand slipped off of Cas’ knee. All the warmth slipped away too. His body gave a great shudder. He looked up at the air conditioning vent. “Just got a chill.”

“It’s been a long day.” Sam got up and said, “I’ll go get the bill. You all just finish up.” Mary got up after him and followed him.

It was just the two of them now. Dean thought about putting his hand back on him. Instead he brought both of his traitorous hands back up to the table. He folded them together. Cas was watching him, seemingly waiting for Dean to give him an opening. Dean could feel the tiny pin prick at the edges of his eyes. He wanted to look at Cas, but he couldn’t. Cas reached over and settled his hand on top of Dean’s. “Are you okay?”

“Not so much.” He’d been too honest. He realized it the moment the words fell out of him. He leveled his gaze on Cas then. “I’ll be okay eventually though.” He remembered that he had excuses so he trotted one out. “It’s the spell. It did things to me, made me think about some things differently. I don’t know.” 

Cas looked like he was sifting through all of that, figuring out what Dean really meant. Sometimes Cas was good at speaking Dean, sometimes not. Dean wondered what today’s reading would be. He glanced over at Sam and his mom by the front door and gave them a little wave. They left. He was sure that they could tell that something was up. 

“When the angels fell, when I was human, I was happy.” Dean turned his head sharply back to Cas. “You seem surprised.”

“Didn’t think that was a particularly good time in your life.” 

“It wasn’t ideal. In the beginning though, I was quite happy. I did not see it as a loss. I may have even viewed it as a great reward. Had things gone just a little differently, I’d have been quite content to live out my days in the bunker as an honorary Winchester.” Cas gave his hand a squeeze. “Being human is not a punishment.”

“Giving up who you are is a punishment.” Dean couldn’t look at him. He just kept his eyes on their hands. They’d need to leave soon. The restaurant was full, and they were at a large table. Dean got up and their hands separated. “We should head out.”

Cas walked out behind him. The door gave them the little bell sound as they left. The Impala was gone. The motel was just a few blocks away. They could even see the neon sign glowing in front of it. Cas fell into step at his side. Dean cast glances to his right. They were silent save only for the crunch of gravel beneath their feet. It was country dark, and the night air was cold. “I’d never assume that I’d be of any use to anyone if I fell. It’s why I never could choose it for myself. Having the decision made for me was a relief.”

Dean sifted through that. “What do you mean when you say that  _ you’d never assume that you’d be of use _ ?”

“I won’t be powerful. I’d just be a man. And I’d be of little use.”

Dean stopped walking and turned to Cas. “Being human just means you’d be like us. Plenty of useful humans out there. I can’t imagine you’d be one of the useless ones.” Dean chose that moment to reach out to him. He pulled him into a quick hug and then let him go.

“What was that for?” Cas asked once Dean stepped away. 

“I’d never ask you to fall.”

“That’s not really up to you.” Cas stepped back toward Dean. “Why did you hug me just then, and the rest in the diner there?” Cas looked back toward the diner in their wake.

“Sometimes I’m selfish.” Dean looked back at him, so close he could say fuck it to the world and drag him in. Cas could fight him on that, but Dean knew, really knew that he wouldn’t.

“Me too.” Cas grabbed him then and pulled him in. He went for the kiss that Dean was too chicken shit to take. He had Dean’s mouth open in an instant and his tongue darted in. Dean couldn’t close his eyes. He should. He knew this was something that warranted that. He was supposed to swoon or something. Instead he watched Cas up close. Cas had closed his eyes and committed to the whole experience. He kissed him. He was all in. Dean worried about what this would mean.

Cas must have noticed the shift in Dean’s thoughts. He slipped free. “I’m sorry, Cas.”

“I’ll only feel like I’m losing something if you fight me on this. I know what I want, who I want to be, and who I want to be with.”

“I understand.” Dean ran a hand up into his hair and kicked some of the gravel off the road.

“No, I don’t think that you do.” Cas stepped back close again, but he didn’t touch Dean. “It’s not like it was with Ishim. It’s not like it was for Lucifer. They wanted something selfish.”

“You just said you were selfish too.” Dean was sifting through Cas’ words and he was pretty sure he was reading him right. 

“I am, but it’s different. They didn’t care about Lily or Kelly. You pretty much spelled it out there in the diner.” He cupped Dean’s face in his hand and said, “They didn’t love them. Do you understand, Dean?”

“I understand.” He leaned into Cas’ hand a little more. “It’s why I wouldn’t want you to give up who you are. It would be selfish of me to want that.”

“No, it’d be human.” Cas smiled. “I wouldn’t expect anything from you. My feelings in all of this wouldn’t change if yours did.”

“Sometimes I don’t think you understand me at all.” Dean’s lip rolled up into a half grin. “Then other times I think no one understands me at all like you do.” Dean leaned back into Cas’ space and kissed him. It was meant to be gentle, a simple show of understanding. With that, they might just have a chance. Cas seemed to get that. He hummed a bit of pleasure into the kiss. The moon shown high overhead. The night full of stars watched them, and Dean thought he understood what it felt like to fall. He held Cas tight and hoped years from now that Cas might still believe that he was worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> As always thank you for any kudos you feel like leaving and any kind words. You can also find me on Tumblr under the name [Spearywritesstuff](http://spearywritesstuff.tumblr.com/)


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